giving him the glory

Today I discovered a website and while looking around came across a post by a woman with who had lived a horrible 10 years of abuse.  She was able to escape and marry and start a healthy life.  But no one knew her secret....she lived her new found life with this burden on her shoulders in which no one was able to grasp because she gave no one the chance.  We live in a world today where airing our secrets isn't so easy.  She felt the need to tell her secret to a friend one day and later was urged to tell others because it could help other women like her.  Why would this woman not feel she should yell it at the top of her lungs all the great things the lord had done in her life?  The reason is because we worry about what others will say....there is always someone who will judge you for your faults!  I am ashamed to admit I am one who judges without completely understanding.  I hate that I do this!  I hurts me when others do this to me and I am working to resolve this fault of mine.  I too have kept many secrets....I worry others will look at me and judge me as I have judged others.  I have pushed away important friends in my life due to the fear of them figuring me out.  I have faced times in my life that I am not giving credit to the lord because of this fear.  I feel I need to pray about this to ask how I can talk about personal and still raw at times personal issues.

Time is Ticking....

As this night comes to a close it is becoming more apparent that I am getting much closer to 30 and I am not sure how I feel about this up coming event...well, I guess I still have a few years to get use to the idea. I have been told by many people that I am an over thinker so I suppose I am stressing about nothing. I try to look past the fact that I will one day loose my youth and try to set goals for my life one day at a time and I am very pleased with the choices I have made so far. It is hard to believe that my two best achievements are already growing up so fast before I know it they will be grown men. I remember my dad always said that life flies by and as a kid I never noticed it but I see what he meant. I wasted so much time being sad and depressed when things in my life didn't go as I had planned that sometimes I waste even more time trying to look back at what I didn't see...sounds stupid...huh? It is amazing that with a little time you see things much more clearly than you would have had you not taken the time to step back and take a glance into the world you once were a part of. I have said goodbye to so many people that I will always remember with the understanding that they were not meant to be in my life physically but only as a memory. Most people driven by the need for instant gratification and then here I am driven by something much more important than just my own personal needs. Leaving me to realize that maybe getting closer to 30 may not be so bad. It is a chance to explore my true self that I once thought I knew and was very sadly mistaken. With every choice from my past brings a knowledge of life in the real world that 10 years ago I actually thought I knew-was I ever wrong! I may still have a lot of learning to do but now I get it that true knowledge and wisdom comes with age...all the edlerly people I have worked with in my 5 years of homehealth actually were speaking from experience. So I guess this means all the times I thought my parents could never possibly understand what I was feeling or what I was going through that I was wrong....and if you are reading this and you know me then you should probably take note of this confession because it is rare that I admitt when I am wrong....lol! So now with the count down of turning 27 creeps by I am seeing the light....with every year comes knowledge and wisdom...so what if it also brings wrinkles and shaggy breast....at least I know I will be one smart woman.

The Oz experience

I searched for the most amazing gift for Dom and although the date of the show was about a month away I purchased him and I tickets to the Wizard of Oz. He seemed to understand but I know he did not so I wanted him to have something to remember this day for as long as possible and got him a wizard of oz book and we got all dressed up and went on our "date". I talked his ear off the drive there trying to prepare him for the experience and still when we got our tickets scanned he became overwhelmed by all the people and spotted the dark room we were headed toward and started screaming at this point I am almost certain we are leaving. Some how I was able to settle him down and we went searching for our seats. He didn't enjoy the wait and the loud people that surrounded us but when the stage hand came to introduce the show and the room began to dim he perked up with anticipation. He was so quiet and really taking in the show and when he got excited he would stand up and gasp...to experience this was something I will never forget! He waved at his favorite character the Scarecrow and was amazed by the special effects. This is something I feel we will do again, I am hoping to find a show that he will enjoy just as much. I am glad I have found something he and I can do together....as he gets older he wants to do so many things but sometimes he is not able to do so because of his disability. I see how hard it is for him to be approaching his teen years and how cruel people can be whether young or old...and I want to allow him to be himself and he loves acting out things and memorizes everything and while doing his acting most people stare or laugh but he doesn't care....this show was awesome he was able to see that he has something in common with someone..The Wonderful Wizard of Oz....

halloween with the family

Halloween hasn't really ever been anything I have been in to but this year I decided to let Dom get dressed up and enjoy the fun. I didn't think he would get the idea of trick or treating for a long period of time so the main objective was to find a place we could go and enjoy some activities. After lots of looking on the local christian radio station website I finally found a place. He had alot of fun made some nice little friends for the day. The activity that he enjoyed the most was the band. He loves the drums and couldn't stop talking to anyone who would listen about them. We met some real nice people at the Praise Day. Allow the activities were boring to me and seemed like I had to do them since they were a little difficult for him it changed my opinion about Halloween....Its something I think we could look foward to next year.

WITNESS...

AFTER LOTS OF PRAYER ABOUT WHETHER I SHOULD LEAVE MY CHURCH HOME I FEEL I FINALLY HAVE FOUND THE RIGHT PLACE FOR ME AND MY FAMILY....IT ONLY TOOK A FEW MINUTES TO FEEL WELCOMED AND THAT TO ME IS AWESOME. THE BEST EXPERIENCE IS SEEING HOW THE LORD WORKS. MY 9 YEAR OLD IN A CHURCH SERMON BRINGING TEARS TO THE CHOIR DIRECTORS EYES.....IT WAS AS IF HE TURNED TO DOM AND THEY WERE THE ONLY TWO IN THE ROOM. THEY SANG AND DIRECTED THE REST OF THE CONGREGATION IN SONG. WORDS CAN NOT EXPLAIN THE FEELING THAT WENT THROUGH ME AS I WITNESSED THIS MOMENT BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM AND THEN TO HEAR THE RESPONSE OF OTHERS AFTER THE SERMON ENDED AS WE ALL WERE GETTING READY TO GO HOME. MY DOMINIC 9 YEARS OLD ALLOWED OTHERS TO FEEL GOD'S LOVE. I AM VERY PROUD OF HIM AND ONLY HOPE TO SEE MORE LIKE THIS IN THE FUTURE.

WE DANCED

IT IS AMAZING HOW MUCH I HAVE FORGOTTEN SINCE DOMINIC WAS A BABY IN REGARDS TO WHAT TO EXPECT FROM A NEWBORN. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND A WAY TO KEEP AVERY ASLEEP, LATELY HE IS UP SCREAMING AFTER JUST AND HOUR OR TWO OF SLEEP. HE IS VERY ACTIVE AND A GUESS HE IS PLAYING IN HIS CRIB AND THEN GETS SLEEPY AND GETS "STUCK"......HE IS STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO SIT DOWN WHEN HE STANDS. SO WITH ALL THE HOMEWORK AND ESSAYS ADD THAT TO ALL THE OTHER STUFF......MAN I AM TIRED BUT, DOING GREAT I JUST TOOK TWO EXAMS AND MADE A'S. THIS MORNING WAS PRETTY SLOW HAD A LONG NIGHT AND STILL HAVE TO GET UP AND GET MY DAY STARTED. IT WAS TIME TO GET DOM READY FOR SCHOOL. IT WAS VERY REWARDING TO SEE THAT AFTER WHAT SEEMS MILLIONS OF TIMES-TELLING HIM TO DO THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER....WITH OUT ANY HESITATION-HE DID IT. STILL IN A SLEEPY DAZE JUST STANDING THERE IN HIS ROOM HE WALKS IN TURNS ON HIS T.V. AND A SONG WAS PLAYING.....HE GRABBED MY HAND PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME AND WE DANCED. SOMETHING HE AND I DO ALOT WHEN IT IS JUST THE TWO OF US. IT WAS NICE FEELING SWALLOWED UP BY ALL HIS LOVE....AND LAUGHTER....

WHERE....

I REMEMBER AS A KID BEING ASKED WHERE I SAW MYSELF IN THE FUTURE (5-10YRS) THE THOUGHT OF THINKING SO FAR AHEAD IN MY LIFE PERPLEXED ME. WITH EACH YEAR THAT WENT BY I WAS SO EAGER TO GROW UP AND BECOME SOMETHING STILL UNSURE OF WHAT I WAS ACTUALLY CHASING AND SOON I FELT I HAD FOUND IT. AS EACH YEAR PASSED ON THINGS SLOWLY CHANGED AND BEFORE I WAS EVEN ABLE TO CATCH MY BREATH THE LIFE I HAD KNOWN AS MINE SEEMED TO VANISH. STRANGELY ENOUGH I FOUND MYSELF ASKING THAT QUESTION YET AGAIN.....FEARING MOST EVERY OUTCOME THAT PLAYED IN MY MIND BECAUSE NOW I KNOW HOW LIFE CAN BE OVER IN JUST A BLINK OF AN EYE. IRONICALLY, THE LIFE I HAD STARTED OUT CHASING BEGAN TO CHASE ME. I WILL NOT LIE, I MADE VERY POOR CHOICES. I WENT THROUGH THE MOTIONS, I WAS A VERY ATTENTIVE MOTHER, A LOYAL FRIEND, BUT THE INSIDE OF ME WAS SCREAMING UNCONTROLLABLY FROM FEAR AND HEARTACHE. I HAD WORKED SO HARD TO ACCOMPLISH CERTAIN ASPECTS OF MY LIFE AND NOW I HAD NOTHING. I FOUND MYSELF QUESTIONING HOW CAN GOD JUST LEAVE US HERE? HUNGRY, COLD, LONELY AND SCARED...I REALIZE NOW I WAS BEING SELFISH EXPECTING GOD TO DO ALL THE WORK WHEN I HAD VERY LITTLE FAITH. I PRAYED EVERYDAY FOR HELP....IGNORING HIS GUIDANCE. SO NOW I SIT HERE LOOKING AROUND AT WHAT LIFE HAS BECOME AS I SLOWLY PICK UP THE PIECES AND WONDER HOW MY TESTIMONY COULD HELP SOMEONE IN THE FUTURE....AND WHEN WOULD MY HEART ACTUALLY BE READY TO SHARE MY PAST IN THE HOPES OF SAVING SOME UNSUSPECTING INDIVIDUAL FROM A LONG LONELY ROAD OF SADNESS FROM A WORLD THAT SHOWS NO MERCY.